Only 21 days after my 21st birthday, my first child, Debrah Lynne was born in Victoria in the Jubilee Hospital. It was gruesome. It was before there was any kind of consciousness of La Leche League, of conscious birthing, of anything except the convenience of the doctors. I was alone in a dark room for close to 24 hours waiting. No one was permitted to be with me. It isn’t necessary for you to know what else there was.
When I have been with women during my re-awakening into womanhood, now widely known as women’s liberation, I have hesitated to tell the story because it is barbarous to imagine that this kind of male chauvenistic doctoring and birthing was not even questioned in the 20th century.
Now, for me, it’s past history made for memories, memories that do not add up to joy or anything much but a stoic containment and an acceptance of what was. I am the only one left who remembers because our lady, herself, decided not to return from surgery on the 29th of February 2008.
Are you curious about the rest of the story? Be prepared. I was not prepared. No one in the family told me she had died; not until over 3 months later when, in my brother’s words, he got permission from the family to tell me that my daughter died! Are you already a little shocked? I was not family enough to be told, nor was I invited to her funeral.
Once I knew, I made arrangements within myself and on this day in 2008, I made a journey to the top parking lot on Mount Shasta and quietly, by myself had a funeral and a quiet mourning for my girl.
I like to think of it as: we are all work in progress, she, where she is and me, where I am here; and even where the rest of the family are now 10 years later.
This stuff never goes away, folks!
If I were to be any kind of angry or hateful, I would be the one wearing that really ugly coat. I did not even take it off the rack, don’t you know. I have nothing to do with the mind or the sensibility that prevents a mother knowledge of her child; that is on those who perpetrated.
I was given the dispensation of understanding the truth of the act of forgiveness. I do not know what it will take for me to grow up enough to evolve as a spiritual being.
That’s what I came here to find out. Blessed be.