Well, we all know what free advice is worth! Not much! With that said, I am going to embark on some thoughts here about making your own mental health.
Everybody has some kind of back story. What I have noticed about this comes from some years of experience beginning in those days in the early 70’s when women first got together in their kitchens, at Denny’s, in church basements, anywhere we could find to sit together and talk. The topic of the times concerned women’s liberation a catchall concept meant to get some kind of handle on the very wide ranging questions we were asking each other and the multitude of answers we brought forward to change our conditions.
I watched women discover they had been abused from early childhood by parents, teachers and church people, bosses and even sometimes their friends. I watched my sisters’ responses all the way from simply and with great determination get up, make up their minds and begin again a new life for themselves; to those who chose to perpetuate their victimhood for their own reasons. The second interesting thing about all this, it seems those ladies who suffered deeply over time were more likely to reorganize themselves completely than some of the ones whose mothers smacked them once in a while.
While I watched, I was also processing my own trauma. Everyone’s horror was horrible.
Now for the advice which I have already apologized for. Those of us who healed ourselves made up our minds to a new kind of life. The first part of this was about noticing that no matter how awful, how heinous or violent were our experiences, we had already survived to tell about it. Some of us had scars but they could be worn like badges to the fact of our survival. Second part was about forgiveness.
There might be some confusion about forgiveness. Forgiveness is a radical approach for self healing and for disconnecting ourselves from the perpetrations and those who were abusers. This is not about condoning any of the acts of violence that were inflicted on us. We made choices to set ourselves free from the mess that was and the effects that we were successfully coming to terms with.
Literally: this is making a new mind in myself, loving myself without condition and allowing all the rest to just have been there and now not. I give myself the care and attention that I did not enjoy in those former circumstances. I choose happiness and joy and no more whining, no more pinning blame; simply ending all the condemnation of myself and everyone else, making myself a new freedom. I’m choosing this today.
It is a strength in ourselves that we claim as part of the new identity we are forging from the past. It can be done. How much are you worth to yourself? When I confront where I came from with who I am today, I am very happy to have grown up as myself. I’m ok with how it was. I’m also ok to have moved on from the pain; I used the trauma to bolster my own bravery to have walked away. You can do it. You can end all of it by making up your mind. Have it the way you wished it to be all the while. I even talk to myself from time to time in a wee baby voice telling myself the things I did not hear, allowing the baby in me to feel her worth. Check it out.
Oh, and how about these couple affirmations that can assist your mind to assimilate your healthy point of view:
I am safe in the universe.
I am whole and well in my own life.
My first choice is to love myself without condition and make choices that support me in my highest good.
(see also Spiritual Tech 12 for more conversation about affirmations.)
Free advice is worth something only if you go at it to be responsible for yourself. Bon appetit!