Give yourself what you did not get.
We all know in our childhood, or somewhere in a relationship gone off, or when we were depressed with cause that these experiences turned into wonderful stories describing our particular and personal victories.
We know also that there is more to it because day to day all that makes up ordinary life has a way of getting messy, easily distracting us from what we are really up to: evolving ourselves as spiritual beings.
I have a bad story; it is, as many are, loaded with abuse of varying degrees. It’s become my own interpretation of how it used to be when I was very young. It is in those years between this now and that earlier time that I have learned to use the story of it, first to neutralize the trauma that was and then to grow into my own true Self. The first and possibly the biggest surprise is that I never was at all like any of the stories told about me but that I believed were true!
Today I was practicing because there are plenty of people living on our street right outside my door, each with stories to chew on, just as there is in your neighborhood, in your back yard, wherever you might be describing it. Using the story is the next step from just ranting on and on the old story using yourself as a victim of something that you had little or no control over at that time.
This might be the very moment to choose freedom over victimhood.
I had some training in the 80’s in the network put together by an interesting fellow calling himself Werner Erhart. During the training, in order to support our ending the victimizing of our ourselves, to end those tiresome rants and wearying depressions, we were instructed to ask this question:
Are you ready to get off it now?
It’s important to remember the exact question. Notice that there is quite a difference in saying: Are you ready to get off it yet: yet implies a shaming. In order to gentle ourselves to an understanding of how our immature self turned what happened to us into our story, we must not allow the debilitating shaming emotions that keep those negative responses in place, along with all the stuff we’ve used to convince ourselves of our victimhood. I call it a “mechanism.”
But by using the phrase: Are you ready to get off it now, the whole mess can be turned around. Now is this moment. It’s clean and open. There is permission here (you give yourself the permission) and so, a true solution is driven only by ourselves not a therapist or any other kind of authority. I am the author of my life. You are/I am my own authority! I can finally become compassionate for myself. And I can relax into a place of peace about myself. This is a very nice thing! Whew! I’m making it!
The question forms a break for the raver or despondent: Are you ready to get off it now? Those simple words created the ability in us literally to end the need for the story of victimhood. This can be a very empowering move.
I believe that we are our own best therapist once we really do understand what it’s all about. Once I realized my mother really had no choice but to abuse and could not make a change in her own bad story, I forgave her. What was surprising at the moment was that it was not she who was set free, it was me setting myself free from both the trauma and my interpretation, my story about it that had burdened me so many years. Some have called this move as taking responsibility. Go with that, okay!
My mother’s words to me when I informed her that I had forgiven her were these, “I do not have to be forgiven, I’ve never done anything wrong.” In an instant I understood at an even deeper level what I had done for myself. I was free now to restore my personal sacred relationship with my greater Self. Liberation. Hooray!
We are better than we think and often we are better than any opinions of us as well! Remember Terry Cole Whittaker: Your opinion of me is none of my business.
Well, what is going on there: those holding an opinion have taken a dirty coat off the rack and have put it on to describe what they believe to be true of themselves. They literally must hand off the shame and trauma of their past to me and, in fact, to anyone within range. This is how the issue of victimhood becomes anchored in our social interactions. Surely this cannot mean anything to me!
Now this next step, I invented myself. My female ancestors, my mother and grandmother were serious bitches. They were never ever able to say a kind word to anyone (truly vicious self-hate).
Let’s get some perspective here: I went to grade school in 1945. All of these ideas we are discussing took another 30 to 40 years to show up in mainstream. I could not wait I was miserable enough to figure it out sooner.
Those ladies were the first voices I heard, and that was their style I had adopted. It was overdue to ditch the patterns and the programs, to discover my true loving nature and to learn much better how to use the built in melody of my own voice. Now, when the stuff shows up again in my face (it can and it will show up) I do this: I tell myself out loud, in a loving gentle voice, the messages that support my transformation.
I give myself what I did not get. “How is my girl today? How about how pretty you look today! You are a kind and generous person and thank you. You are going to make it!”
At 80 and onward, folks, this stuff counts big time! Why wait, Do it now!
You have your own words to tell yourself what you did not hear. Remember: it’s always now and so it does not matter if you are 80 or 18 or somewhere: it is always now. Set yourself free to be what you truly are. You deserve it. Bon appetit!